Broken.

I feel like I can’t go on.  I feel such immense pain inside that it renders me useless.  I barely eat, I can’t sleep well, and I feel like I’m breaking down anytime I’m alone to think.  I get myself out of the apartment, see people, have dinners, but I come home to the same feelings night-after-night.  When does this “time heals all” start to set in?  When do I start feeling even a fraction of how I used to?

I’m not a victim.  I’m not the bad guy.  I am just a complex person trying to understand why I can’t get over this hardship.  I hear logically what others tell me.  I know that in time, this will go away, but in the meantime, all I feel like saying is, “FUCK.”  I feel awful, just awful.

I don’t even want to get into details anymore.  I think maybe this is one of those things I just have to endure for the time being until my tears dry up from the inside and I begin manifesting more positivity.  How did I get here?  How did I end up loving someone so deeply and then be at odds with him in a matter of minutes?  I try to remind myself that my other close friends have all suffered heartbreak, and they ended up okay.  How come in this moment I feel that my situation is somehow miraculously different from anyone else’s?  What makes my emotions any different than someone else who has experienced this?  Why am I holding on to something that I clearly need to move away from?

I just hate hurting people.  I hate disappointing people.  I hate being hurt and disappointed by people, and that’s where my compassion and understanding comes in.  There is no problem too big that can’t be solved through communication.  You just have to have both parties willing to openly communicate with the intent to move forward.  I don’t have that right now, so I’m flying solo.

Tonight seems like a good night to get a good cry out.  It feels like a good night to just get ugly and emote.  He may not miss me, but fuck all, I miss me.  I need to get all this negative shit out of my body and remind myself who the hell I am and who I want to be.

It’s amazing.  I started writing this blog feeling nauseated and on the verge of tears, and now, I’m remembering that I have control here.  I have to make the choice to push on and be okay.  There isn’t a way out of this except to get stronger.

A friend of mine told me this quote:  To be a warrior is to know being broken, to be a traveler is to know being lost, and to be a lover is to know both. I just have to remind myself that I am a lover, and that’s why this hurts so much.  It would be so much easier for me to walk away angry and filled with hate, but I am stronger than that.  I know better.  I can’t fake it and pretend things are back to normal right now because, for me, they’re not.  But I’ll take each day as it comes and just hope for some peace on both spectrums.  He deserves his peace, and I deserve mine.

I want to start sharing songs that feel applicable, or at the very least, are on repeat to showcase my mood.  Maybe one day I’ll look back and think, “what the hell was I thinking?”  Maybe it will serve as a reminder that I’m in a place I never want to revisit.  Sometimes, I want to write so badly but can’t form the words.  So here is a happy medium.

Leona Lewis – Broken

You can take away all my love, what do I need it for?
You can take away all these words, there’s no meaning anymore.
You can take away everything, leave me lying on the floor.
All those sorry’s, we can’t go back to the start.
You can’t fix me, I’m torn apart.

I wanna run away from love.  This time I have had enough.
Every time I feel your touch, I’m broken.
Shattered all the pieces of parts.
Never thought I’d fall so hard.
I’m putting back together my heart, it’s broken.

You can take these photographs and watch them fade away.
You can throw away all these letters, I don’t care about what they say.
All those sorry’s, there’s a million reasons
why you can’t mend me, don’t even try.

I wanna run away from love.  This time I have had enough.
Every time I feel your touch, I’m broken.
Shattered all the pieces of parts.
Never thought I’d fall so hard.
I’m putting back together my heart, I’m broken.

I know it’s gonna take some time to finally realize
I got nothing left inside, nothing to hide.
I’m broken, I’m broken.  My heart is overwhelmed.
I’m broken, I’m broken.  There’s nothing left inside.
Save me.

I wanna run away from love.  This time I have had enough.
Every time I feel your touch, I’m broken.
Shattered all the pieces of parts.
Never thought I’d fall so hard.
I’m putting back together my heart, I’m broken.
Save me, save me.

I’m broken.

For those of you who have experienced something similar, what worked for you to cope?