Two tears in a bucket…

Today is different.  Tomorrow will be great.  And last night, well, last night I had a “come to Jesus” with myself.

I’m over this.  I am so over this emotional roller coaster over someone who, quite frankly, doesn’t deserve my love.  I realized so much after I finished typing my post last night.  I said I was in control, and I am.  I told myself in bed last night to wake up.  Contradictory to trying to fall asleep, but it’s true.  “Wake up, Mathieu,” I said, “this isn’t like you.  You aren’t this erratic.  You aren’t this shell of a human being.  You are not one person’s opinion of you that they have created in their own mind.”  That’s when it hit me.

I tried, over and over again, to be what I thought I should be and could be for somebody else.  I failed to see the value wholly within myself.  Because of that, I failed to follow through with my promises.  Empty words, hm?

I longed for a love by someone who saw himself first and me, well, not even second or third.  I want to love myself first, but here is what is different: I have the capacity to showcase love.  I have the gift of communicating effectively.  I have the means to be a great partner, a good listener and be present in the moment.  I gave up all of those things during these two and a half years of loving someone so distant, not in actual geography, but in his own capacity to love, even as a friend.

I didn’t make a mistake.  I loved someone who did not, could not and would not love me the way I needed long-term.  There are no what ifs, only what is.  I experienced exactly what I was meant to.  Now, I will come out stronger, more compassionate and wiser because of these experiences.

What the hell was I thinking?  I’ll tell you: I was thinking I could make somebody fall in love with me by loving him intensely.  I was showcasing the kind of love I wanted by being that version.  But I was met with a wall, a 5’9 1/2″ brick wall that didn’t budge, that didn’t chip away, that didn’t see me as I truly am.  You cannot make somebody fall in love with you, no matter what loveable qualities you possess.

No matter how beautiful or slim or full-bodied or smart or funny or giving or whatever you are or could be, you cannot convince someone to love you.  They must choose to love you on their own.  They must seek a love within themselves that they then externalize towards you.  I did that to the best of my ability.  In regards to me, he could not, and that is a-okay!

I don’t need to make N the villain for me to come out victorious.  I just have to move on knowing we aren’t mutually beneficial to each other as we are. I will say I do love when a person’s argument is “I saw you change.  You’re not ‘you’ anymore.”

You’re absolutely right.  I did change!  Maybe the problem here is not that I changed, but that you remained exactly the same.  How could you ever see my growth if I were the same person?  How could I love you more if I were the same person?

It’s not possible.  What is possible is to move on from this experience knowing I’m going to be alright.  No more nausea.  No more crying (okay, maybe a little, but then I’ll suck back those tears so fast…)  No more masking raw emotions with humor as a means to deflect.  This chapter has met its tearful and arduous end.  The communication must stop.

I tried, y’all.  Every day, I tried to be better.  I tried staying away.  I tried openly communicating.  I tried apologizing.  I asked, “what can I do for you?”  But I did it entirely for the wrong reasons.  And even if I did it for the right reasons, the outcome would be more or less the same. I would have been met with the same mindset that “you’re different,” “you’ve changed,” “you’re missing the point,” “I don’t miss you,” “I don’t want to understand you.” I can’t do this to myself anymore. I won’t do this to myself anymore.

Everybody else in my life tells me that they see amazing things in me.  Why on earth would I listen to one person’s fabricated ideology of me, and then try to adhere to what he wants?  Why would I try desperately to talk things out with someone who views our fight as “nonsense?” That’s just silly.  He doesn’t want to see the person he really is right now.

Despite my better judgment, I reached out.  I tried to talk about what happened.  I didn’t want things to end between us. I wanted to work through them together.  I just couldn’t muster “simple friendship conversation.”  Not after everything we both experienced.

But then, I am the seemingly selfish one who asks 48585959 questions in an attempt to better understand you.  I am the one that would have to wait until you are ready to talk things out.  And even then, what would come of us?  What if, what if, what if, no, what is. This is the situation.  This is what happened.  “Clearly we cannot get along anymore.” Then let’s just say goodbye and be done.  I wish you the best!  I really do.

It was an experience with many wonderful memories, and many not-so-wonderful memories.  You got a free trip to Orlando to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter from it.  Yay!  Bucket list item, checked off. (EDIT: This is a line I am no longer proud of writing. N had no idea I was taking him to Orlando, so it isn’t fair to make this comment. For that, I am truly sorry.)

But I am no longer playing into a perception of who I am.  I am exactly who I want to be and who I need to be going forward.

There’s a lesson to be learned here: change for no one but yourself.  If you see value in yourself, own it.  Our lives are so short.  I will be thirty in January, and I am truly amazed that I am around to say that.  I wasn’t expected to live this long, and because of that, I value every single birthday.  Now, I will take great pride in valuing every single day.

Whether I am single forever, find myself a man, raise a kid on my own or have a large family, I am grateful to be here.  I will show it in my actions.  I will show it in my outlook towards life and the people I choose to keep close.  My new motto is: Two tears in a bucket?  Mother fuck it.  (Obviously, I can’t claim that one, but it works!)

It’s a sad end, let’s be honest.  I was invested.  I really loved him, but it still wasn’t enough.  It was not what either one of us could use in order to sustain a long-term relationship of any kind.  We just weren’t good to each other or for each other.  I have my faults, and he has his.

I truly believed fate brought us together so we could be together forever.  I had fallen in love with his smile, his voice, his eyes, his kiss.  How superficial of me.  It just goes to show you that, sometimes, two people are meant to grow apart and go in completely different directions despite everything they experienced together and promised to each other.

My life, my journey, my destiny… it’s all here because of me.  It’s been a long time coming.  I have freed myself from these chains that bound me to an image.  To get out, you must go through.  It is certainly a process.  Every day I write, I feel closer to capturing my true essence back.  I feel myself letting positivity in even at my lowest points.

No more lows for a while.  No more going back.  How many times do you have to bang your head against a wall before you start to bleed?  Let’s start writing happily or comedically or, hell, even angrily.  I actually like when I’m angry because I am still damn funny, too.  That’s something I value in myself, so let’s run with it.

I’m at peace to have this sense of closure.  It’s time to move forward and onward and, most importantly, happily into the future.  One foot in front of the other; one hair toss at a time.  The bitch is coming back, people. Make room!

I am so appreciative of my friends, family and coworkers who have done nothing but uplift me and remind me who the hell I really am.


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